The Onion

: God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule. “‘I don’t care what faith you are, everybody’s been making this same mistake since the dawn of time,’ God said. ‘The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. [...] And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, ‘Turn the other cheek,’ but you’ve been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades.’”