True Facts about Montreal
You might be from Montreal if:
1. You think of Ottawa as the midwest.
2. You think it’s your God-given right to run down pedestrians when you turn right on a yellow.
3. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no T’s).
4. You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
5. All your pets are named after former Habs greats.
6. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a “dusting.”
7. Just hearing the word “Toronto” puts you in an angry mood.
8. You don’t think you have an attitude.
9. You always take a quick left as soon as the light turns green, and
oncoming traffic always expects it.
10. Everything in town - at least everything you care about - is a seven dollar cab ride away.
11. When out of town, you think the locals from the area are all hopelessly provincial. Including when you go to another big city.
12. You still can’t bear to watch highlights from game 7 of the 1981
LCS, or to think about the strike in ‘94.
13. You have no idea how to spell the word compromise, let alone what it means.
14. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
15. You don’t realize that you drive twice as fast as
everyone else.
16. You’re self-indulgent, extravagant, jaded and pessimistic.
17. You think if someone is nice to you, they must be looking for a vote. Or spare change.
18. C’est quoi un adjective?
19. You think the ocean starts near Miami.
20. You think Trudeau AND Parizeau are misunderstood.
21. You don’t give a shit who stole Brother André’s heart.
22. You haven’t been carded since age 14, anywhere.
23. You only eat stimés during a Habs game ‘haldress’.
24. You think that if someone never goes out after work they must be hopelessly square, or ill.
When we say / We mean…
beezarre = odd
fleurs = roses, etc.
édemi = 30 minutes after the hour
Ça va? = How are you?
bien = OK, or very, extremely
ben bon = superb
ben fou = silly
ben oui = of course
vous = you, plural OR polite if you’re really from France
poutine - soul food
How we’ll know you weren’t born here:
You wear a hat before January. Or after January, for that
matter.
You cross at a crosswalk.
You ask directions to “Club Supersexe” or “Shay Paree”.
You follow the Leafs.
You eat on Ste-Catherines.
You don’t know that “Avenue des Pins” is pronounced “Pine” and
“Boul St-Laurent” is pronounced “The Main”.
You call it Carré St-Louis, not Square St-Louis. Note: many do not know this, but “square” is also an archaic French word, and the official name of this lovely small park, even in French, is “Square St-Louis”
Getting around:
Much of Montreal was at one point a red light district. In fact most of it was, at one time or another. Therefore all the streets in many neighbourhoods are one way, and most of the time you simply can’t get from there to here, at least by car. Take a cab or walk.
Which Clark Street do you want? We have two Clark(e) Streets (at least), and about a half dozen streets etc. named after Saint Catherine.
Pay no attention to the street names. The names aren’t what you call them anyhow, except for University, which is still English after 30 years of francization.
You can’t rent a room at Hotel de Ville no matter how tired you are. And Avenue de l’Hotel-de-Ville is nowhere near it, really.
St. doesn’t mean street. It means Saint.
If Boul Réné-Levesque has mysteriously turned into Dorchester, you’re in Westmount. You can speak English now.
All highways are referred to by number, even if the sign says it’s something else, including another number. The 40 runs on the north, the 20 on the south, the 15 up the middle, all the way to the ski hill. None of them are the Trans-Canada, even if they’re all marked as such.
The North-East-South-West thing:
Montreal West is East of the West Island. Westmount is further East than Montreal West. The South Shore is that strip mall you pass on the way to Burlington VT. The Eastern Townships are to the South of Montreal. Mile End hasn’t been at the end of anything in 100 years. Mont Royal is actually a just a hill. But the Plateau really is a plateau, as you’ll learn when you go out on a bike or inline skates.
Things not to do:
1. Don’t snicker when someone tells you they’ll pass at 8.
2. Don’t look quizzical when someone asks you to close the lights. They’re asking you to turn them off.
3. Don’t neglect to buy fire insurance if you live on the Plateau in Mile End in Rosemont.
4. Don’t get all weird about the Gay Pride parade, aka Divers/Cité.
It’s one of the biggest events of the summer. Nuns enjoy it.
5. Don’t tell someone that you think converting a church into condos is sacrilegious. They might well live in one. And some condo conversions aren’t ‘gentrification’, they are the removal of long-protested, heavily-polluting textile factories in residential areas.
6. Don’t say “when does it take off?” or otherwise make fun of Olympic Stadium. We’ve heard them all before, and it causes us deep sorrow at least once a year. Usually when we find out the Quebec government is still running a deficit.
7. Don’t expect that anyone will know which bridge is which. No one knows. It is unknowable.
Things you should know:
Just cause someone’s English doesn’t mean their family was rich. They might be Irish, in which case their family were very poor AND Catholic, and from Griffintown or St-Henri.
High School starts in grade 7 and ends in grade 11.
Highway 20 has stoplights. Seriously.
It’s the ‘Spos, the Habs, and the Als. The Habs are the best sports team ever.
Basketball, hockey, and football were all introduced to North America by Montrealers. If you enjoy any of these sports, you owe a debt to Montreal. You can buy us beers to repay.
The underground train is not a subway. It’s the metro. The subway is in Toronto, and it sucks compared to here.
There’s another train that goes right under the mountain.
Posted by mikel on March 1, 2000 11:03 PM
